I started this blog to make a confession. I am infertile. I am a genetic mutant with twisted genes; and as of Friday, February 1, my dream of having my own child was abandoned at Skyridge Hospital in Highlands Ranch, Colorado. Physcially, I have healed nicely. But, emotionally I still feel unsure. Somedays it feels “fine”. And others days, it is if I can feel the separation from children that I will never have. And when I think of my life, it somehow feels very long without them, like something is missing on the horizon. There is a loneliness there with which I am unable to grapple.

I recognize this space because it is grief and for me, in my life, grief is longing and soul-aching separation, always the separation. And separation and waiting, well, those are things I have never done very well with.

I make this confession to you because Lent started on Ash Wednesday, and I was unprepared. I hadn’t prayed through what God was asking of me especially since last year was so transformative to one aspect of my life. Then I realized I had given up something at Skyridge Hospital that has led me to the desert to await deliverance and healing. A place to come face to face with my God in a deeper way and to drink from His deep reserves. Perhaps I just need longer than 40 days.

Buen Camino

About nicafrank

I am a single, 42 year old mother of a Golden Retriever, Sunny, who wishes she could write this blog if only she had thumbs. I like to laugh...at myself and near others (but never at them, unless they deserve it, and they know who they are). I am an avid reader, movie lover, foodie, tea drinker, and if I were any more boring would be a cat grooming librarian, but alas my love of dogs has saved me. My greatest passion in life is my faith in God, who stirs me on with His love and daily kindness. I would be lost without Him.

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